Well, allow me to introduce "Starfire Water." But let's let the manufacturers speak for themselves:
...Starfire Water™, a proprietary alkaline, performance, bio-holographic “living” water produced using breakthrough, 21st-century quantum water technology. Starfire Water™ is treated with ultraviolet, ozonation, infrared stimulation and electromagnetism for a negative ion charged water, as in nature, allowing deep, cellular intake through aquaporins, the floodgates to hydration.Wow. "Quantum water." And it's also "bio-holographic." Doesn't that make you want to drink up? But tell me, how is "Starfire Water" different than tap water?
Structured Water - Water is naturally structured, but water from the tap is not and neither is most water sold in the store. Unstructured water goes right through you, while structured water removes toxins from your body."Etherium?" I checked the periodic table, just to see if I'd missed something last time I looked, and I couldn't find any "etherium." But they said it's just "liquid gold," right? Why on earth do we need gold in our water?
Energized Water - Even structured water on the market, isn’t energized. When you taste our water, you’ll feel a tingle on the roof of the mouth. That’s the energized water. It gives you energy for life.
Infused Water - Most water is just water. But we infuse our water with Etherium, a trace form of liquid gold, known to facilitate higher awareness.
In car stereos, they use gold plated ends to provide a crisp clear connection. In the human body, we use gold too! We cannot just eat any old gold off of our wedding ring or the wires of our stereo. This gold must be small enough to enter the human cell with out digestion. If the gold is in flakes or too large like colloidal gold, it must be digested, or broken down. Some times large minerals like these do not stay in the digestive tract long enough to be digested and pass through with out much benefit. A better choice is to get the gold in a form that is all ready in it's (sic) smallest form. What is the smallest form of gold? It is Angstrom gold. Angstrom gold is the smallest form of gold available today. It is so small it can enter the human cell without digestion. Angstrom gold does not have any fillers or other excess baggage with it like colloidal gold can carry with it. Angstrom gold is pure gold infused into Pure water using angstrom's special process."Angstrom" gold, eh? Isn't an "angstrom" just a unit of length, equal to one ten-billionth of a meter? I would much prefer my gold measured in units of mass, not length. And large ones. "Kilograms of gold" would be something I could get excited about. But be that as it may: what can "Starfire Water" do for my health?
(It is) The Most Hydrating Water on the Planet. That's because Starfire Structured Water is infused with Hydrogen Structuring Technology introduced by a syndicate of water enthusiast, and making it the most energizing, detoxiying (sic), anti-oxidizing and hydrating water on the planet. Using [hydrogen fortification] vortex technology, we’ve created hexagonal water that quenches your thirst from inside out.Oooh! Hexagonal water! My favorite kind! Trapezoidal water is kinda pointy and hurts going down, ya know? And how awesome that it's "introduced by a syndicate of water enthusiast." Whatever the hell that means. But in any case, how can you folks manage to make such an amazing product?
Our process utilizes a centrifugal vortex to implode the water and set the water in motion for several hours. This reorganizes the molecular order into a receptive state to receive high frequency vibration. The water is then passed through a chamber where magnetic resonance imprints a series of frequencies in an infinitely modulating sequence. Molecular order and frequency loading mutually reinforce each other to maintain the transformation of the water. The result is a liquid with the water formed into small, biocompatible water crystals that resonate at a designed and predictable frequency. The specific frequencies of the crystalline structured water solution are designed to be amplified by the cells of the human body, and transferred through resonant paths to tissues in need of "tuning".Oh, really? I... I see... I... um...
NO! I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! MY CELLS ARE ALL VIBRATING AT THEIR MAXIMUM BIO-HOLOGRAPHIC QUANTUM RESONANT MODULATION FREQUENCY! I CAN'T READ ANY MORE! NOT ONE WORD MORE!!! *does faceplant, directly into his keyboard*
*several minutes pass*
Whoooo, sorry for that outburst, folks. I've gotten a handle on myself, now. In fact, I think what I really need, right now, is a nice big glass of...
Scotch. But being that it's 5 AM, it might be a little early for that, so I'll settle for coffee. Made with plain old, ordinary tap water, unpotentiated and un-bio-energized. Which, to be clear, is the only kind of water there is.
And, allow me to point out, it is also far, far less expensive.