Skeptophilia (skep-to-fil-i-a) (n.) - the love of logical thought, skepticism, and thinking critically. Being an exploration of the applications of skeptical thinking to the world at large, with periodic excursions into linguistics, music, politics, cryptozoology, and why people keep seeing the face of Jesus on grilled cheese sandwiches.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Spam, spam, spam, eggs, and spam

Yesterday I got a spam reply on one of my old Skeptophilia posts.

It happens pretty often, and I usually just ignore them, being that (1) I'm not stupid enough to reply, and (2) I have no particular interest in black-market anabolic steroids, penis growth pills, or helping out exiled Nigerian princes.  But this one was so funny that I read it aloud to a student of mine who happened to be hanging around, and we both had a good enough laugh that I thought I should share it here.

[image courtesy of the Wikimedia Commons]

So here it is, along with some interspersed editorial comments from yours truly.
Not just me, eh?  You want the whole world's attention?  That's pretty ambitious.
Hello and blessed are you who found me.
Well, you found me, technically.  But hello back atcha.
My name is DR SHAKES SPEAR, and am here to help you change and transform your life in the most positive way possible.
Is that William Shakes Spear?  Huh.  I thought you had Shuffled Off This Mortal Coil four centuries ago.  Shows you what I know.
I use the power of white, black craft and Wicca and voodoo spell casting to help people just like you they get the love they want and the money they deserve.
Did you even read my blog, dude?  You are seriously barking up the wrong tree.
My love spell offer amazing and quick results. Do you want to find your soulmate?
Already have, thanks.
Do you want to reunite with a past lover and make him or her love you again?
Merciful heavens above, no.  My past lovers are past for a reason.
Do you need to bind a troublemaker from causing problems in your relationship?
Unless you count the fact that my dog takes up way more than his fair share of the bed, I think I'm fine in that regard.
With my spell casting service, I can cast a love spell on your behalf that will help all of your wishes and dreams come true. I also do other custom spells, such as money spells, job spells, friendship spells, and good luck spells.
Versatile, that's you!  But you have to wonder why, if you can just cast money spells, you are trying to bilk money from a poor struggling writer.
You may have already tried the power of spells and prayers to get what you want.
No, "hard work" and "a reasonable supply of brainpower" have always worked for me.
Although it is true that everyone has the ability to cast spells and perform magic, spell casting is like a muscle.  Everyone has this 'muscle' but the more you use it, the stronger it gets, and the more things you are able to do with it.
Well, that's a mighty fine sales pitch.  However, the muscle it mostly made me think of was the gluteus maximus, because you seem to be talking out of your ass.
If you are not an experienced spell caster, your spell may not be as strong, and the results not as quick as you may desire. GET YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVE HERE AND BE FREE!!
Ooh, I can't wait for my problems to be solve!
Hello to people that want to be Great,
Hi there.
Note: This Spell casting do not have any effect on any one, But just to get your problem solve ok.
Ok.  But if it do not have any effect on any one, how the hell do it get my problem solve?
Get your problem solve in master...You can get the bellow problems solve here.
Yes, those bellow problems can be a bitch, it's true.
1. Bring back lost lover, even if lost for a long time
Cf. my previous comment about lost lovers.  They can stay lost, thanks.
2. Remove bad spells from homes, business & customer attraction etc.
Now you're talking.  If you could cast a spell that would make 9th graders less annoying, I'd be much obliged.
3. Get promotion you have desired for a long time at work or in your career.
Promotion?  To what, administrator?  That'd be a big "nope."  For me, being an administrator falls into the "just shoot me now" category.
4. Remove the black pot that keeps on taking your money away
So that's where it's going!
5. Find out why you are not progressing in life and the solution
If you could progress one of my novels to "bestseller" status, I'd take back everything I said about you.
6.  Ensure excellent school grades even for children with mental disabilities
Who needs the Common Core, when you have Dr. Shakes Spear?
7. I destroy and can send back the Nikolos if requested
I'm not going to request, because I have no idea what the fuck that even means.
8. We heal barrenness in women and bad issue and disturbing menstruation
I'm disturbed just thinking about this one.
9. Get you marriage to the lover of your choice
Too late, because I took care of that one myself.  But it's a nice offer.
10. Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage
Shouldn't #10 come before #9?  Just saying, you know, as a pitch.  As is it seems like getting the cart before the horse.
11. Mental illness & bewitched
What about them?  
12. Extreme protection for those doing dangerous jobs like security guards, Bank manager, cash transporters, etc
Not teachers, eh?  No "extreme protection" for us?  Just your ordinary, garden-variety protection?
Maybe you should work on a spell for getting your caps lock unstuck.

So, there you have it.  A tasty meal of spam, courtesy of Dr. Shakes Spear.  I strongly recommend against sending anything to the email addresses, because of course that only would alert Dr. Spear that (s)he has a fish on the line, and pretty likely result in your being inundated by further offers.  So unless you have a particular need for steroids or penis growth pills, or are feeling a sudden desire to help down-on-their-luck Nigerian princes, it's probably best just to press "delete" and forget about it.


  1. It's one thing to contemplate a higher authority, unseen powers, and quite another to look at spirits scurrying around on rather petty demands. You don't have to be an atheist to realize some claims are just so much hot air.
    What's really sad is that many sad souls still sign up for these scams.

  2. Please to be making spell for fix of spell and many mistake of grammar punk tulashiun! Spell so good it make you sound like many long time living in America! You got it! Go time high five!

    From family who brought you Mattress King, where everything is Mattress King Comfortable, now we are please to opened Sofa King, where everything is Sofa King Comfortable!

    How comfortable, you ask? Sofa King Comfortable, I could sit here all days!

    Now Sofa King has opened spell casting services for all customers.

    How powerful are spells? Our spells be Sofa King Powerful, you will not believed your eyeball!

    You come down, we see you here!

    (adaptation of a skit originally airing on Saturday Night Live)

    1. Now there's a sale I might just check out!

  3. ROFL. When your old e-mail is this hysterical, you should have periodic re-publishings, just so we can laugh until our sides hurt, again.

  4. I found your website among the many that enjoy my pleasure. Please for your consideration admire the fact that your spells are not work on all browsers. You are not afraid because easy solution is presented. Many beautiful women agree. Ultimate enjoyment can be yours!

    Visit my website.

    1. Damn you, Butters, you just about made me choke on my coffee. Nicely played, bro. Nicely played.