Do I have news for you.
We now have hope, thanks to Jason A. Prophecy.
At least I think that's his name. On his YouTube video called "The World in 2017: The End of America" that's how he's listed. Or maybe he's using it in the sense of "A Prophecy by Jason." It's ambiguous. So I will continue to consider Prophecy his last name, because I think that gives what he has to say considerably more gravitas.
I was sent a link to his video by a loyal reader of Skeptophilia, with the message, "Good news for those of us who are probably damned in any case." So I sat down and watched it.
Well, I watched part of it. The whole thing is a little under an hour long, and patient man though I am, I'm not going to sit through 52 minutes of a guy telling me that America Is Doomed over and over. To save you the trouble of watching it yourself, let me summarize his main points.
- America is doomed. In case I hadn't made that point clear enough yet.
- President Obama is going to be the last president of the United States. Interestingly enough, Mr. Prophecy doesn't seem to consider the upcoming conflagration to be Obama's fault, which is kind of unusual amongst these types. It was going to happen anyway, he says, and Obama just happens to be the one who's going to bear the brunt of it. So unfortunately, we don't even have the satisfaction of saying "Thanks, Obama" after the Seventh Seal is opened.
- World leaders, including the Pope, know all about this because it's predicted in the bible.
- Yes, I know that the bible doesn't say anything about the United States, because it was written two millennia too early. Instead, in the bible the United States is code-named "Babylon," so everywhere you read "Babylon" you should understand that the writers meant "the United States." (Which reminds me of the anecdote about Reverend William Spooner, of spoonerisms fame, who was preaching to his congregation one Sunday morning and noticed that everyone was looking at him with an expression of complete bafflement. He suddenly brightened up and said, "Oh! I'm so sorry! Everywhere I said Aristotle, I meant St. Paul.")
- The reason that Babylon is referred to as female in the "Holly [sic] Book" is because what it's really talking about is the Statue of Liberty.
- Babylon is going to be destroyed. *cue scary music*
- Vladimir Putin is going to be the one who causes America/Babylon's downfall, because he's the evil "king of the north" mentioned in the Book of Daniel, chapter 11.
- So what Putin is going to do is to launch an "electromagnetic pulse weapon" to knock out the entire electrical grid of the United States (the implication is that it will also cause automobiles and airplanes to malfunction and crash), and then invade and destroy us.
So while I'm watching this, I'm thinking, "If we're all doomed, why is he bothering to warn us? This is a little like shouting 'Look out for the ground!' at a guy who's fallen off a cliff." But then at the end, we get to the good news that the alert reader who sent me the link had referenced:
Mr. Prophecy has written several books about how to survive all of this nasty stuff, and they can all be yours for only $39 (plus postage and handling).
He tells us that he was tempted to give them away for free, but "people don't value what they don't pay for." Evidently, surviving the apocalypse is not a sufficient motivator. You also have to think, "Dammit, I paid cold hard cash for this book! I'd better actually read it and find out how not to die!"
[image courtesy of the Wikimedia Commons]
So anyway. Predictably, I'm not going to buy the books, because (1) I suspect that when the authors of the bible said "Babylon," they meant "Babylon," (2) even Vladimir Putin is smart enough not to launch an attack against the most heavily-militarized country the world has ever seen, and (3) I have better uses for $39, which in my opinion would include using it to start a campfire.
And I'm not worrying about Obama being the last president, honestly. I'm spending more of my time worrying about who's gonna be the next one. I wonder if the Book of Daniel had anything to say about that?